Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
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Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
According to math, I’m broke
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”