Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
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Important reminders
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.