If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
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who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
It do be feeling this way.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
an octopus is just a wet spider