I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
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I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity