when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
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Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
me adding lol on a serious message
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!