I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
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This is a true ally.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.