[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
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My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine