My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
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[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?