I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
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The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.