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“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.