“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
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Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
A French press is when you hug naked
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Who.
Did.
This?
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!