If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
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French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
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Me: Same
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.