Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
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*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
My neck, my back, my…
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
what could possibly go wrong?
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?