Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
You Might Also Like
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET