Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
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My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.