Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
You Might Also Like
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.