iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
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In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.