#FunnyLife Insects
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“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
I finally found a reason to live again.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.