Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
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Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Swedish for common sense.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.