Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
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People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works