Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
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guys I’m going home
i can’t wait that long
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
TRAIN’S HERE
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
This could be us but you eatin’
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”