Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
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Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
monday
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.