When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
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A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
“you changed” bro i was 15
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
For the baby who has everything
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.