#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
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When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?