I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
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I love the honesty
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?