I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
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“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]