me: why does my back hurt
also me:
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When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.