me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
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Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.