Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
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When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA