We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
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Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
kevin is now a local weatherman
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
So the ex texted me
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
I WON A HAM TODAY
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.