INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
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date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen