Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
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She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
The Joker was right
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool