“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
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Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”