[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
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When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.