The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
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I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.