People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
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What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
PARKOUR
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
u spoke cat all this time??????
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*