You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
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Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget