The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
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MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.