Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
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Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Dune (2021)
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Namaste
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like