Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
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Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”