9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
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Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Human are so complicated
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
turning my gender off to conserve energy
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour