Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
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Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
This pepper has seen some shit
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.