Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
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have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
how was your vacation
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.