My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
You Might Also Like
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises