[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
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Good morning.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today