date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
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I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you