him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
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Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
bugs when you lift up a rock
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste