Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
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Things will get butter, keep churning
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away