You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
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I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
philosophical skeletons be like
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*