Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
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My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”